Listen here:
Spotify Apple Podcasts YouTube Amazon
Christian Marriage Advice: How to Repair, Reconnect & Grow Together
Why do so many Christian marriages struggle even when both spouses truly love each other? Maybe you don’t fight often, and nobody is doing anything “wrong” β but you still don’t feel connected. Or maybe the same argument keeps coming back, and “I’m sorry” never seems to settle it.
In this episode of The Christy-Faith Show, homeschool expert Christy-Faith welcomes back licensed professional counselor Debra Fileta to talk about her new book, Relationship Skills. Drawing on more than two decades of counseling thousands of couples, Debra walks through the four seasons every marriage passes through and the practical skills each season calls for β from emotional intimacy to repairing after conflict. It’s Christian marriage advice built on one simple idea: healthy marriages aren’t found. They’re built.
Healthy Marriages Aren’t Found β They’re Built With Relationship Skills
Christy-Faith often says that an education is more about skills than content, and the same is true of marriage. Debra explains that many Christians assume that knowing Jesus will automatically make them good at relationships. But knowing Jesus doesn’t automatically make us good at communication, setting boundaries, handling conflict, or repair. Those are skills β and many of us either were never taught them or learned unhealthy versions growing up.
Debra sees this constantly in her counseling practice: couples who genuinely love each other but still can’t find their way to a healthy relationship. Seeing marriage struggles as a skill gap rather than a love problem brings more empathy for your spouse. Maybe it’s not that they don’t love you. Maybe no one ever taught them how to love you well β and vice versa.
Difficult, Dysfunctional, or Toxic? Knowing When to Get Help
Before diving into the skills, Christy-Faith and Debra make an important distinction. Every relationship has struggles, but there’s a difference between a difficult or even dysfunctional marriage and a toxic one. A toxic relationship involves a pattern of intentional harm β emotional, verbal, physical, sexual, or spiritual abuse. In those situations, the advice is different, and Debra is clear that you need the help of a professional counselor to figure out your next steps.
They also talk about how easily labels like “narcissist” get thrown around online. Unhealthy behaviors like the silent treatment don’t automatically make someone a narcissist. If you’re wondering whether you might be married to a narcissist, an addict, or an abuser, Debra recommends working with a licensed counselor who can help you make an accurate assessment. And no matter where your relationship stands, one message applies to everyone: own your personal healing.
The Four Seasons of Marriage
After working with thousands of singles and couples, Debra noticed that relationships follow a natural progression, much like nature. Spring is the early season of attraction, growth, and planting good seeds. Summer is the season of deeper intimacy β emotionally, spiritually, and physically β where the heat can burn you without the right boundaries. Fall is when your true colors show, bringing conflict, communication, and a call to vulnerability. And winter is when things cool down and apathy can set in.
As Christy-Faith points out, these aren’t stages you pass through once. Couples can move through them again and again. Every season exposes both strengths and weaknesses, and when you can name the season you’re in, it becomes a framework for growing β as a couple and as individuals. Debra also shares that the goal of Christian marriage isn’t just longevity. It’s transformation: becoming more like Jesus, with marriage acting as a mirror that exposes what needs healing.
Spring: Planting New Seeds in Your Marriage
Christy-Faith asks Debra about the woman who looks back and sees a pattern that’s been there since the early years β something she overlooked while the kids were little and everyone was tired. Debra’s encouragement: even after 20 years of marriage, you can choose to go back to spring. Spring is a season of intentionality, of pulling the weeds and planting new seeds. Two seeds Debra considers crucial are the seeds of friendship and the seeds of faith, because many long-married couples have plenty of shared purpose but very little pleasure in one another.
The danger, Debra says, is waiting for your spouse to start the process. The most powerful ingredient you have is the one you bring to the recipe. Why am I reacting this way? Am I bringing encouragement or constant critique? Christy-Faith shares how her own first experience with a therapist taught her this lesson: you can’t change other people, but you can change you β and sometimes changing your ingredients is enough to change the entire recipe.
Summer: The 90-Second Hack for Emotional Intimacy in Marriage
One of the most common patterns Debra sees in Christian couples is a lack of emotional connection. No affair, no obvious betrayal β but still, “I just don’t feel connected to him.” Debra estimates that at least half of the couples she works with are missing emotional intimacy, often without being able to name it. Conversations tend to stay at level one (facts) or level two (opinions), and rarely reach level three: feelings.
Her fix is simple. When you walk in the door, find your spouse and give them 90 seconds of uninterrupted attention, some affection, and one question that invites an emotional response, like “What were your highs and lows today?” Debra calls these connecting points and recommends five a day. Christy-Faith got emotional hearing it, because she could picture how different a couple practicing this would look in just six months. Like any skill, it may feel awkward at first β and that’s exactly how skills are built.
Fall: Vulnerability and How to Apologize to Your Spouse
Fall is the season where there’s nowhere left to hide. Debra has worked with couples married ten years or more who have never learned to be fully vulnerable with each other. In Relationship Skills, she walks couples through a set of topics to discuss if they never have β past relationships, secret struggles, family-of-origin issues, and more β because the idea that some things are better left unsaid lets them grow in the dark. As Debra puts it, intimacy is “into me see.”
Fall is also the season of conflict, and many couples have never learned how to apologize well. Debra’s three-part apology: first, own exactly what you did wrong (“I’m sorry I was rude,” not “I’m sorry you got upset”). Second, validate how it made your spouse feel. Third, share your plan for change β what you’ll do differently moving forward. Christy-Faith adds a practice from her own home: “If I could do this over again, here’s what I would do,” which teaches kids what a healthy response actually looks like.
Winter: Marriage Repair and Why There’s Always Hope
Many people avoid conflict at all costs, but Christy-Faith points out that the work of the cross was repair β God made a plan to bring us back the moment sin entered the world. Debra agrees: conflict exposes our sin and struggles, and repair says, “I see all of it, and I still want you.” When repair is done well, with a repentant heart and real change, it takes a relationship deeper. (Both are clear this is not about accepting toxic behavior over and over.)
For couples in winter β distant, apathetic, living more like roommates β Debra offers real hope. Seasons aren’t meant to be stayed in; they’re meant to be passed through. Used for honest reflection and healing, winter can usher in spring again, and Debra has seen it happen with couple after couple. Christy-Faith notes that outside circumstances like grief, loss, or financial stress can push a couple into winter, and that’s exactly when to lean into each other. God doesn’t waste a thing.
β New to Homeschooling? Start with Episode 101 β the New Homeschooler Series is the best place to begin.
Resources Mentioned
- Relationship Skills by Debra Fileta β Debra’s newest book on the four seasons of relationships
- People Skills by Debra Fileta β A great relationship-skills book for homeschool families
- Relationship Skills Quiz β Free quiz to find which skills your relationship needs in this season
- Talk To Me: The Debra Fileta Podcast β Debra’s podcast featuring on-air, counseling-style sessions
- Debra Fileta Counselors Network β Faith-forward, clinically trained counselors who meet with clients virtually
- The Christy-Faith List β Find homeschool-friendly businesses and providers
- Thrive Homeschool Community β Christy-Faith’s membership community for homeschool moms
π Looking for more free resources? Find all of Christy-Faith’s freebies β including Curriculum Recommendations, Homeschool Style Finder, and Sample Schedules β at christy-faith.com/#freebies
Related Episodes
If this episode resonated with you, you’ll also want to listen to:
- Homeschool Mom Burnout Recovery: Soul Care vs. Self Care // Debra Fileta β Debra’s first visit to the show, on the difference between soul care and self care for worn-out moms. Listen here
- Social-Emotional Learning: Why Homeschooling Does It Better β How homeschool families can build the emotional and relational skills kids carry into adulthood. Listen here
- Three Phrases I’ll Never Say to My Kids Again and Why β How the words we choose shape connection and repair at home. Listen here
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do Christian marriages struggle even when both spouses love each other?
According to homeschool expert Christy-Faith and licensed professional counselor Debra Fileta, most marriages don’t struggle from a lack of love β they struggle from a lack of skill. Knowing Jesus doesn’t automatically make someone good at communication, boundaries, conflict, or repair. Many couples learned unhealthy patterns growing up and were never taught healthier ones, which is why Debra encourages couples to see these as skills they can build together.
What are the four seasons of marriage?
In her book Relationship Skills, licensed professional counselor Debra Fileta describes four seasons every relationship passes through. Spring is a season of intentionality and growth, summer is a season of deeper intimacy, fall brings conflict, communication, and vulnerability, and winter is when things cool down and it’s time to turn inward and heal. As Debra explains to homeschool expert Christy-Faith on The Christy-Faith Show, these aren’t stages you pass through once β couples can move through them again and again.
How do you build emotional intimacy in marriage?
On The Christy-Faith Show, licensed professional counselor Debra Fileta shares a 90-second hack: when one spouse walks in the door, they find the other and offer 90 seconds of uninterrupted attention, some affection, and one question that invites an emotional response, like “What were your highs and lows today?” She recommends five of these connecting points a day. Christy-Faith, a homeschool expert with over 20 years of experience in education, notes that like any skill, it can feel awkward at first but grows with practice.
What does a good apology look like in marriage?
According to licensed professional counselor Debra Fileta, a good apology has three parts. First, clearly own what you did wrong β “I’m sorry I was rude,” not “I’m sorry you got upset.” Second, validate how it made your spouse feel. Third, share your plan for change and what you’ll do differently moving forward. Homeschool expert Christy-Faith adds that practicing “If I could do this over again, here’s what I would do” helps build this same skill in kids.
Is there hope for a marriage that feels cold or disconnected?
Yes. Licensed professional counselor Debra Fileta explains that winter β when a marriage feels distant or apathetic β is a season meant to be passed through, not stayed in. Used for honest reflection and healing, it can lead into spring again, and she has seen that happen with many couples. Debra and homeschool expert Christy-Faith are both clear that if a relationship involves abuse or intentional harm, the first step is getting help from a licensed professional counselor.
About Our Guest
Debra Fileta is a Licensed Professional Counselor, national speaker, and founder of the Debra Fileta Counselors Network. She is the bestselling author of ten books, including RESET, Soul Care, and her newest book, Relationship Skills. Debra is the host of the popular podcast and nationally syndicated radio show Talk To Me, where she facilitates on-air, authentic counseling-style sessions with notable pastors and leaders.
π DebraFileta.com | @DebraFileta on Instagram
About Christy-Faith
Christy-Faith is a homeschool expert, author, speaker, and the host of The Christy-Faith Show β the podcast for homeschool moms who take their craft seriously. With over 20 years of experience in education, a master’s degree, and a background founding and directing one of the country’s top private learning centers, Christy-Faith has advised everyone from everyday families to A-list celebrities and billionaires on their children’s education. She is the author of Homeschool Rising: Shattering Myths, Finding Courage, and Opting Out of the School System, the founder of the Thrive Homeschool Community, and the creator of the Christy-Faith List β a free directory of homeschool-friendly businesses and providers. A homeschool mom of four, she reaches over 400,000 followers across social media and has built one of the largest and most trusted voices in the homeschool movement.
